Reality Distortion Field

The other day the ever-reliable John Gruber at Daring Fireball published this in response to the news that MicroSoft would be paying Universal a fee for every Zune they sell. And he ignored the obvious cheap shot that this would probably only total about $30 plus change. The guy is pure class.

However, knowing what I do about Steve Jobs (that is, nothing more than lazy rumours, fanboy mythologising, a couple of half-understood in-jokes culled from reading Fake Steve, and a sneaking suspicion that anyone who would shaft Woz would also happily dispatch kittens using a claw hammer), something just didn't ring true about it. So, in the spirit of "embrace and extend"...

(We pick up half way through John's post, where MORRIS has just named his price of two dollars per iPod.)

JOBS: Two bucks? Wow. I was thinking more along the lines of fifty cents. One dollar tops.

MORRIS: (Slowly shakes his head.) Sorry, Steve. Given the iPod's position it's gonna have to be two dollars.

JOBS: Well, if you insist...

MORRIS: We insist.

JOBS: In that case - gee - I don't know what to say. Thanks, I guess.

MORRIS: So if we have a deal... (He starts to extend his hand.)

JOBS: But what about the - you know - retrospectives.

MORRIS: (Hand pausing in mid extend.) The... ?

JOBS: Retrospectives. Royalties. I mean, there's already like seventy million iPods out there. Shouldn't we include them.

MORRIS: Sure. I don't see why not. (Smiles.) If you insist.

JOBS: I insist. Let's see. That's seventy million iPods at two bucks a time, makes...

MORRIS: One hundred and forty million bucks.

JOBS: Yeah. Wow.

MORRIS: (Again offering his hand.) So, do we have a deal?

JOBS: Sure thing. (They shake hands.) I mean, it's not like we need the money but, still, it'll sure come in handy. I mean what with the iPhone launch and the iTV and Leopard and all. Every extra million helps.

MORRIS: (First tiny fingers of doubt beginning to massage his brow.) Uh, yeah. Sure.

JOBS: But, hey, I don't want you guys worrying about it. Easy payment terms. We're not going to get heavy with you or anything. Anytime in the next six months will be just fine with us. My people'll fax your people our bank details.

MORRIS: You'll ... we'll ... bank details?

JOBS: It's sure been great doing business with you. And to think Bono said you were a real asshole. See you around.

(Some time later, in the car home.)

MORRIS: Will somebody please tell me what the fuck just happened.

Now that's the Cupertino way.